Flashbacks & clarity

#morale #quoteI’ve been feeling really blocked lately. Stuck in molasses. Lost for words. Tired and grumpy. Missing gluten. Craving coffee. I felt completely out of the loop. Thank heavens for Twitter: I discovered this post about ‘getting my write back‘. And then I read Suzie’s post and realised that maybe I do have something to say, after all.

So here are some discoveries I’ve tripped over in my recent self-involved phase…

  1. I am fallible. Cue shocked sounds. I am not Superwoman. I am ageing gently and I need rest, a good diet, supplements (preferably prescription strength) and help with chores. I try to hold everything together and all I manage to do is slide into panic, with a tinge of chaos and a side of exhaustion. Charming company, I’m not. Ignoring my body is just detrimental to my sanity. I am far less emotionally resilient when I’m physically exhausted, and feeling like I want to curl in a ball and sleep for another six months just sucks. I want to be excited about my holiday so here’s hoping the new Vit D supplements kick in by next week!
  2. Doing everything right doesn’t mean everything is going to turn out right. I had a lightbulb moment talking to a friend last weekend. My refrain when talking about my traumatic childbirth experience has always been, “But I did everything right during my pregnancy!” As though all the healthy eating, yoga, Pilates and hypnobirthing exercises somehow insulated me, protected me & my baby. Yes, we are miles away from the births our grandmothers and great-grandmothers experienced, but it doesn’t mean that sh*t can’t happen. I don’t know why this was such a seismic shift, but it was. I think I have finally accepted that I didn’t ‘break’ my baby. Perhaps I can start applying this to other situations in my life, too.
  3. All these realisations and epiphanies don’t immunise me from the bad flashbacks. I watched Madam Secretary the other night. We’re a little behind in the UK, so we’re up to the episode where she gets attacked in Iran (S1 E16), and then suffers the flashbacks and trauma when she gets home. I cried, folks, I cried like a baby. Just watching her lose it, go through the panic attack, thinking it was a heart attack, reminded me how much I NEVER want to feel like that again. Remember this post? Yep, took me right back. What a wringer! But what a blessing to realise how long I’ve been panic-attack free. Weeks instead of days. I’m aiming for months instead of weeks now.

And now I kinda feel all written out in a good way.

How are you feeling? What do you do to get your writing groove back? Where do you find inspiration?

11 thoughts on “Flashbacks & clarity

  1. Fannie Frankfurter says:

    I’ve been feeling like I’m in a rut too lately. I’m not glad that you’re experiencing these feelings, but it makes me feel less isolated knowing I’m not the only one.
    I totally agree with Anxious Mom’s comment above. It’s not always easy finding the silver linings, but it’s either that or drown.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jay E. says:

    I hit a big writing block a year ago. Since then, I’ve built up a writing habit by finding something to blog about every day of the week. Sometimes I don’t post anything, but at least I have options. I’ve also expanded my horizons to include photography, free writing, and using prompts. Glad you’re finding you’re groove!

    Liked by 2 people

  3. joey says:

    When I get blocked, it’s usually because I really need to write something specific. Like something is pressing on my heart, my mind, my conscience. So I write that and then I feel better. That’s sorta what my blog does for me.
    I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, but you’re right to look on the bright side.
    I’m just guessing, but it sounds like you could use some tea and sweets, followed by some extra sleep.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Amy says:

    I like your tips. I am feeling overwhelmed with work, anticipation about school and my dads surgery so your post really helped today. Good job Vanessa. It is posts like yours that remind me why I blog

    Liked by 1 person

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